Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
