textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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