All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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