His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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