Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize