I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
My cat gives me a boner
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Randomize
