you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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