my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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