you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
