wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Randomize
