I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
