Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
