I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
This house was built for laser tag.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
