You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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