At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
