i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
