At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
