I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
