I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
