This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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