I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
