So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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