Your dad touched me again.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
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