At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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