So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
