i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Randomize
