And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Houston, we have a squirter
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
