Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize