After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
