Me. At least after what I've been through.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
