Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
