If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
