we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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