For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
