Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize