Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
