Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize