checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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