god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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