if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
