Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
