Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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