Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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