i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize