rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
