Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
