6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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