you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
