"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize