I think i peed on brittanys purse
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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