Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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