If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
