dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
