we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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