Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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