I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Randomize
