its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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