i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
