she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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