are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
