explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
