U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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