i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
