I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
