why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
