I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
