Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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