My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
