It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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