my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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