We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
